I find mysef at the begining of an unexpected journey. I cannot possibly imagine the journey and what it will entail. I am at the start. The start of what I do not know and uncertainty disrupts the fragile balance I work hard to acheive.
I was enjoying myself. That should have been my first clue.
I was relaxed and could see with clarity. That should have been my second.
The White Isle was calling. Whispering promises of relaxation and tranquility. Who are we to ignore her calls? A last minute flight was booked and two weeks later there we were, our little peace of (borrowed) heaven.
True to form she delivered. A week of warm, sunny, days to lounge and read; cool breezy nights to chill out and enjoy ourselves with old and new friends. Wine and conversation flowed freely. The children laughed and roamed without restriction. No boundries or curfews meant they were free to be children and enjoy. Both my husband and I exclaimed how happy and lucky we were. I felt safe and secure, alive and present for the first time in eons.
I had a niggle, a doubt but refused to succumb to it's temptation. I wouldn't allow myself to entertain any negativity. And there was my third mistake.
Since returning home the feelings of being refreshed and revived have diminished to ones of funcntionality and insecurity. I am facing redundancy at work and my husband and his buisness partner have dissolved their working relationship after a massive argument. We are both shellshocked and suffering from sus, "stiff upper lip syndrome", meaning we discuss the practicalities of the situation but not the emotional aspect. I akin myself to a pressure cooker and I know soon I am going to blow.
So here I am, at the start, at the begining, again. All my previous hard work and effort to create an eviroment I can work in, where people accept my "maddness", has been thrown into utter chaos and I am about to embark on a journey through, what appears to be, the most complicated maze my mind and my life have ever built for me. Which twists will take me to a dead end? Which turns will take me forward, backwards or sideways? What will I find at the centre and who will I be when, if, I come out the other side?
Looking for employment in the current economic climate fills me with fear and not just fear, dread as well. I have spent the last seven years creating a working enviroment in which I can work, well, in. I have worked closely with my manager, been as honest and as open as I possibly could to ensure I feel safe and secure whilst at work. I know how extremly lucky I was to have found the right company with the right manager who chose the right team at the right time. Could I be that lucky again? Where will I find a job and when that is found what sort of company will it be? It's not like I can walk into an interview and ask them what their HR policy is on dealing with employees who suffer with, sometimes servere, mental health problems. Does it discriminate against or be proactive for the mental wellbeing of said employee. Or maybe I can? I just don't know!
If lighting does strike twice and I manage to find another company, another manager, another bunch of slightly unhinged work collegues to work for and with, do I have the emotional strength? Will I be able to leave my armour at home or will I have to drag it round with me, everywhere, for the rest of my god damn life!
I feel the walls of the maze rising, looming over me, towering above me. The passage ways narrow, I suddenly feel claustrophobic at the thought of my journey in there. I start to panic at the thought of what I must do, to navigate myself and my family through the unknown.
Breathe........ shhhhh...... Breathe.
Am I to turn right and look for another job? Or am I to turn left and go back to college? If I am to start again why not do it right and throw myself into the unknown lock stock and bloody barrel! Just trying to start the journey has my hackles up and my cages rattling. The inmates are no help, they have been somewhat subdued since I have started to acknowledge them, they look to me for guidance as they know I need to be in the driving seat for us all to succeed. I have to be strong, for them, for my family and for myself. So many things depend on the right decision being made. Storm clouds are overhead and if I don't choose where the journey will begin and soon I will be caught in it's path and where will I end up then? Focus. That is what I must do, focus, and start planning. Before any decisions can be made I must plan. Trust. Something I struggle with but I must trust my instincts, myself, to get through this. Belief. It is what I need, belief in my abilities, my choices, my decisions. Will I be made or will I be broken?